Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Why rempits, (and some people from the government) fail.

If you’ve roamed the streets of KL in your car or as a pedestrian in the early hours of the mornings, you may have encountered a group of douchebags on motorcycle travelling in formation and hogging the road and basically breaking every traffic rule ever created, just because... well, they’re douchebags.

Typically, these riders are Malay youths with cheap motorcycles that opt to switch perfectly working parts like the muffler, which is originally designed to lower the decibel count of any motor vehicle, and replace them with loud mufflers that announce to everyone within earshot how lacking in self respect they are.

They’re also always seen speeding on highways and roads doing stunts that impress absolutely no one, except maybe rempit girls. I mean seriously, when was the last time you were walking down the street and saw a rempit do a superman stunt or other and stopped and gave a standing ovation with tears in your eyes? Never. As a matter of fact, come on, let’s be honest here, I bet the only reason you stopped and watched is only because secretly you want that little shit to trip over his motorcycle and do a REAL fly-through-the-air superman stunt don’t you?

My photoshop skills suck, but then again, so does your face.

But you know, honestly, I get it, why they do that. These guys have illegal races where they just race through highways and for the winner, there’s a crash a prize and your very own minah rempit, your floozy for the night. Glory, girls, and gold, what’s not to like?

Well for starters,

1: You’re inconveniencing the fuck out of everybody else.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been delayed on the road where a group of rempits decide to hog the road, and they have this facial expression that says I-have-nothing-to-do-so-i’ll-just-take-a-leisurely-ride-along-my-bike-please-excuse-the-dick-on-my-face while they ride. They’re the equivalent of bums who just ‘hang about’ on all sides of the road and slow everyone else with a life down. During these ordeals I spend the time wasted trailing behind them imagining them to be neatly arranged bowling pins, and I’m driving one giant ass bowling ball.

Or, alternatively she could throw her bowling ball at them.

But the problem is, when they become roadkill I would’ve continued the cycle by inconveniencing the honest, hardworking road cleaners that make sure we have driveable roads in the morning.

It’s pretty obvious no one appreciates the hours of hard work you put into risking your life on the road. Which brings me to...

2: No one’s impressed. Really.

I can’t even stress how important this point is. No one is impressed guys. Let me say it in another language just for emphasis; Takder orang ingat kau gempak. When you pull off a stunt, we groan in disappointment because we didn’t see you fall, and when you don’t pull it off, we say ‘see, I told you so’. In case you think this is me being a little prick, google ‘rempit accident’. The search comes up with 313,000 entries, with a disturbing majority of them titled ‘Mat rempit kepala pecah’, which just goes to show that a large majority of KL citizens are deriving a sense of pleasure watching a rempit break his freaking head.

The only thing people enjoy watching you do.

You know what would really impress us instead? If we saw a rempit reading while riding the motorcycle. That would be one goddamn bad ass stunt. As a matter of fact, skip the riding the motorcycle part altogether. Just pickup a book and read, we’ll salute you and shake your hand, because your awesomeness factor would have risen by about 1000 percent.

We’ll call it, ‘The Reader’.

And while we’re talking about impressive stunts...

3: There’re better ways to get chicks.

Contrary to popular belief, it turns out there’re better ways to get chicks than to constantly do dangerous idiotic stunts that could kill you at any time. For example, getting a job, or starting your own business; basically, anything indicating that you are upwardly mobile on the social ladder, promising a good life for her and not out robbing handbags off innocent women and causing public disturbance is a universal aphrodisiac guys. I don’t know, there’s just something about you not making a goddamned fool of yourself and being a productive member of society that makes women want to take their clothes off for you. If you want an example of it, you know the burger stalls that open till late at night that feed you after that long hard night of being a douchebag on the road? Yeah, that guy has rocked more women’s worlds than you have. Cause the dude’s moving on up.

Gets way more ass than you do. And not just because the sign reads ‘gangster burger’. No seriously, it does.

But really, maybe I’m being too hard on rempits, because let’s face it, we don’t exactly frown upon or discourage such behaviours. I mean we the people do, but institutionally, we give them a free pass to every-goddamn-where. Honest. This guy actually termed them ‘Mat cemerlang’ (loosely translated, ‘successful dudes’), because riding around being a public menace is apparently his definition of making it in this world.

Or maybe you can look at the state of Kelantan that decided enough is enough and that to finally rid this menace once and for all, they will fucking... give them a brand new 10 million dollar race track .


There’s only one solution to end rempitism, and that is to recreate Bruce Lee to do this:

Fail rating: 7/10

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