Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Why Twilight (the movie) fails.

Okay, I’m not going to beat around the bush with this one. The Twilight series is absolutely and utterly full of shit. It’s literally as though you stepped on dog crap, and as you’re rushing home to clean up you collide head on with a waste disposal truck which breaks your back and paralyzes you from the waist down, whilst the collection tank ruptures and gallons and gallons of shit and refuse washes over you. And as you’re stuck in a river of shit, dying with the absolute certainty that you’re going straight to hell for all the sins you committed in life, Twilight would STILL be the crappiest thing that’s ever happened to you.

The reasons for Twilight’s failure should be obvious to any person with common sense, but just in case you don’t know, I’ll clue you in.

Reason 1: Bella Swan is the dumbest bitch on earth.

No kidding, she really is. The lead heroine has absolutely ZERO personality and even less intelligence. This is her expression throughout the entire movie:

She has this expression when someone brings her favorite meal, when she tells a joke, when she falls in love; that look of perpetual fuck-I-don’t-know-what’s-going-on-oh-god-someone-please-help-me.

Seriously woman, get a fucking clue.

And if the fact that Bella is an idiot was too subtle (congratulations, you’re a moron), they decided to make it more obvious by adding the other lead idiot, Edward Cullen, to spell it out for you.

Try to be less of a tool, Bella.

Reason 2: Edward is gay.

Bats and vampires have had an exceptional history of awesomeness. The origins of vampires came all the way from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (a Win book, btw) which in turn, originated from the actual historical character Vlad III the Impaler. Vlad’s eldest brother and father were killed by an aristocratic group called the Boyars, and to return the favor, he impaled them and had dinner in front of their impaled corpses.

True story.

Here’s some other stuff from vampires and bats that are Win:

You’d almost think this was a fail proof formula until some idiot comes along and does THIS:

Nothing quite as scary as an emo kid dressed as a diamond/vampire for halloween if you ask me.

Reason 3: The story doesn’t make sense.

Why? Because get this straight, a family that a) sparkles in the sun and b) gets a really really bad case of the munchies at the sight of blood decide to be less suspicious by sending their kids to school with the things they consider to be food. And yes, they only show up when it’s cloudy, because that’s not suspicious at all. I mean no concerned teacher is going to come knocking on doors if their emo goth students go missing for a week or two, am I right??

Other faulty logic include: Don’t move into a town with people who are out to decapitate you, like werewolves for instance. And don't pick food as your romantic partner, unless having sex with a pizza or cheeseburger is generally your thing, then maybe I missed the point of the movie.

Fail rating: 12/10