Zombiebers. (Chapter 1: Touch Base)

You know who he is. The media saturated all channels with his name 24/7, and he's now the biggest widespread infection since Lady Gaga. The zombies themselves - hordes of soulless, bulbous haired fans - named this new pandemic 'The Bieber Fever'.

Viral cultures like these were nothing new of course. "Baby, one more time" churned thousands of mindless dancing Britney wannabes, painfully oblivious to the song’s deeper referral to “not-a-goddamned-thing”. No one knew under what circumstance would Bruno Mars ever have to catch a grenade for his girlfriend, but he made thousands of guys walk around with a fedora, asking drunk women if they wanted to get married. Lady Gaga inspired legions of zombies, each of them going around asking "Did you know she's Illuminati?" before grinning proudly to themselves over having spotted the "subtle" symbolism in her videos and subsequently going home and masturbating to their self-perceived genius.

I'll give you a hint. I'm Illuminati. Oh wait...

Viral cultures like these spurred me to organize a resistance group called the AMM - Against Mindless Music. Our form of resistance was tweeting to our followers, (all 15 of them) how these songs made no sense, and basically calling fans ‘Fags!’ on fan forums. Our efforts were met with an unenthusiastic, four word reply saying "go die lah you", followed by a prompt banishment or blocked account. If the singers came to Malaysia for a concert, we’d up our game; we'd throw eggs at the cars parked outside.

We always thought we were immune to each new wave of viral culture, until we lost Lim Ju-En, one of our longest members, to Lady Gaga. It happened so fast - one day she was on the internet forums typing "SHE'S JUST A COPYCAT MADONNA YOU FAGS! LOL!" and the next day, she started calling herself 'Lady Juju' and started wanting "the psycho, the vertical stick". What was it anyway? An erect penis? If it was, why would anyone call it psycho?

She wants your psycho.

We mourned her loss, but that made us press on harder. There were going to be others, and we couldn't stop the good fight. After Ju, I set up a website, http://khairie026.livejournal.com/ as a way to keep track and raise awareness about these cultural pandemics, but traffic was like Zouk at closing time: filled with dubious characters you'd rather not talk to.

All these people have Herpes.

Sarah Rostam was my second in command in the AMM. She had this thing about being a black diva – she sang Marvin Gaye and Stevie Wonder and did the finger raise and the head wave perfectly - and was efficient at spotting viral singers early. If she heard a song on the radio that sounded stupid and catchy, she'd warn us the next day. She correctly predicted that Gaga was going to be the next wave, way back when people thought it was the title of a Freddie Mercury song. But even she misses a couple sometimes.

Sarah and I were both in the car two months ago discussing the egging logistics of an upcoming Bruno Mars' concert, when we heard "Baby" on air for the first time. Our conversation faded into an unearthly silence. I turned the volume up.

"Bayy beh, bayy beh, bayy beh Oooouuuh~! Bayy beh bayy beh, Ooouuuuh yeah~!" the radio blared. Questions popped after every line. Wasn't he 16? What's he doing buying a ring to win his girlfriend back? Was Ludacris eventually arrested for being a 13 year old paedophile?

After the song ended, I turned the radio off. I frowned at Sarah, who looked at me knowingly. "I'll look him up," she said. "What was his name again? Bieber? How did I miss this?" she cringed, as she typed out his name into her phone.

"Okay. Send me whatever information you have, and I'll e-mail the rest of the gang. Let’s be safe - I don't like this..." A shiver rippled through my spine. "...this, Bieber" Something didn't feel quite right about him. There was an unsettling feel to all the viral singers we've heard before, but he felt particularly menacing.

"I support the killing of kittens!"

I sent the email to notify the rest of the AMM, but they had all heard 'Baby'. We agreed to have a meeting soon, but all of them were caught up with work, or life. I couldn’t say the same for myself – AMM was first priority, eating and having sex be damned. I couldn’t be out looking for a job and dating, not when Bieber’s music was out wreaking havoc in the world.

Within the next few weeks, the infection grew exponentially. His songs blared on the radio, and girls started singing his songs in groups while hugging and giggling uncontrollably, luring other girls to join in. #9millionbeliebers became the number one tweeting trend, and girls started changing their facebook last names to 'Bieber', claiming that they were his number one fan, and having cat fights with other people who were also number one fans.

Trailers of his biographical movie, ‘Never say never’, came out in cinemas, to be screened in 3D.

This was fast becoming a 6 on the viral scale, and I knew things couldn’t wait. I called for an AMM emergency meeting at my house, two weeks later.

Sarah was the first to arrive.

"I've got news," she frowned. "Nigga, this guy is big. He done infiltrate mah house. My sisters can't stop playing his shit over and over again." She raised the finger. "I need water."

Jo Yi Au and Melanie Hwa arrived next.

Jo Yi was the fighter of our group. She was a petite girl, but if she didn't like you, she'd tell you to fuck off and tell you that you were as ugly as a deformed, wrinkled chicken skin. She had spunk - so much so in fact, Melanie had to balance her out most times, and keep her calm when shit hit the fan. And shit did hit the fan when I saw her walk in and commented,

"Holy shit it's him," I startled. "Fucking Bieber!"

To be more specific, Jo Yi had his hair. It was the same bulbous hair, with jagged fringes that were close to hiding her eyes, and long enough that she could flick it. Still, I regretted saying it out because the next minute, she'd grabbed me by my balls, with a sort of crazed look and fire in her eyes. I'm not sure if you could get high from being in intense pain, but I was momentarily transported to the insides of my ball sack, where I saw about a million little Jo Yi's simultaneously pounding on my nuts with sledgehammers. I felt nauseous.

"Eh, chill lah, he din know you got a haircut k?" Melanie consoled, coming up beside her and resting an arm on her shoulder.

I felt the vice-like grip loosen, and fell back into my chair, cupping my balls gently, resisting the urge to cry.

"What the hell, Jo Yi," I grunted. I glanced at Melanie, "Is she infected?"

"No lah, she just got her haircut last month. And she din know about Bieber until she did. Now everyone's asking her if she's a Bieber fan, and some even thought she was him."

"And it's fucking pissing me off," Jo Yi glared at me, sitting herself down. She flicked her hair.

Never say ‘Bieber’

I smiled through the pain. Jo Yi wasn't going to be infected anytime soon.

"Alright," I sat up and composed myself, though I was still clutching my balls. "...we're going to suspend our efforts against Bruno and Gaga for the time being. This guy is coming up way too fast. We gotta spread some hate, and quick, before he takes everyone we know. Now I was thinking we could post some photoshopped naked pictures of him on the site-"

"Uh... about that," Sarah interrupted, shifting her eyes. "I just got to know he's coming to Malaysia next month, and I have to bring my sisters to his concert. Sorry nigz, I can't get out of it."

"Yeah, and Jo Yi and I have to go to the premiere of his movie next week too." Melanie cut in.

"What?" I asked, looking at them, feeling a slight pinch of betrayal.

"It's for work. We have to go check it out. Don't worry lah, we won't end up like..." she paused. "...Like Ju. It's just for work."

Right around the time Melanie turned pretty, she started working for a blogging company. Don’t get me wrong, she’d always been easy to look at, but until around 4 months ago it’s like she had an epiphany or something. She started looking like a model wherever she went.

This was her getting ready for paintball.

Part of her responsibilities was to socialize and network people, so I suppose the transformation was part of her job. I once asked her if she’d model for an anti Bruno Mars campaign, but she would always change the subject.

"And why are you tagging along?" I asked, looking at Jo, making sure my hand was firmly protecting my nuts.

"My friend is going to watch some stupid show, I'll have to go make sure she's okay lah..." she shrugged.

We ended the meeting that day, deciding that nothing could be done at least until Jo and Melanie were done with the movie. Again my stomach tied in knots; this Bieber managed to somehow catch AMM off guard. I raised the viral alert to a seven, but I kept it to myself. My instincts yelled at me like transvestite who’s been stared at for too long.

All I could do right now, was wait.

To be continued...

I've moved folks!

I've decided to blog about other stuff too, not just stuff that fails. =P

Come tell me how much I fail at http://whenkhairiewrites.com/.

Toodles!

Why McDonalds fails.

As a kid, I grew up eating McDonalds. My mother was a busy working woman, so I don’t blame her for thinking that those bright yellow and red restaurants with that friendly (albeit slightly freaky) clown was a franchise that designed good food which catered to the nutritional needs of a growing young boy. This, was a mistake.

Much like this film.

Of course this comes to no surprise since McDonald’s have been targeting young kids ever since 1963. They even teamed up with Disney because they knew that the way to get to your parents’ hard earned money was to get you to get it for them, by enticing you with a figure of Winnie the pooh or Power Rangers that comes with a fillet-o-fish.

Sales were so good back then, it made a whole generation of kids fat that even in 2006, Disney was concerned about the rising numbers of childhood obesity so they called it quits and left. As for me, one sexless high school experience a decade later, I realized that my mom should have never gotten me those darned Happy Meals, and should have done what Bruce Lee did to his kid when he asked for one.

No you may not have a Happy Meal. Have a kick to the face instead.

Today McDonald’s stands as the single biggest chain of Hamburger Fast Food franchise in the world, and I’m personally offended that we let it grow that big. In an age where kononnya we take our food seriously, and have tons of blogs dedicated to food pornography, how did we let one of the biggest slackers in the food industry become a mega conglomerate?

Seriously... how?

McDonald’s food is shit. Possibly one of the worst foods you can get in Malaysia, I’m going to rate McDonalds just slightly above an overpriced, badly served mamak meal (and when I say badly, I mean a fried chicken with fly eggs in it – no, really, true story).

This, but only hidden underneath the crispy chicken skin of your drumstick.

Here’s why McDonald’s fails:

1) Mcdonald’s is detestably expensive

Maccas are some of the most overpriced foods in Malaysia. Now I know in places like America where proper, nutritious food is expensive, McDonalds is breakfast, lunch and dinner. But here, there’re literally tons of cheap foods to be found at every corner of every street. Cheap, as in, less than half the price of a McDonalds meal.

For example, the price of a Nasi Goreng Pattaya, or egg coated fried rice which is available at any food stall here averages to about 5 ringgit. To put it in perspective for you, here’s what you can get for 5 ringgit at McDonald’s.

This. And no, you don't get fries or coke with that you poor bastard. Now go and cry in the corner over your pathetic life.

While 5 ringgit at a mamak stall could get you any of these;

But why is McDonalds considered cheaper in other countries? Well because in most of these countries, the standard of living is higher. Agricultural produce is sold at higher prices which make food in general, expensive. But because McD gets their raw supplies in bulk, they can afford to undercut all these other restaurants and sell you your McDiet for cheaper (though ‘cheaper’ really means trading your liver, heart, and self respect over the next 5 years).

Same thing here really, except in Malaysia, we have plenty of independent food operators that sell food for next to nothing, because they’re not out looking for large profit margins like big greedy franchise dicks. So sure, in America, McD’s is the only thing Americans can afford, but here we can have a whole range of better value-for-money food, and sometimes with a side of greens too, if you know where to look. Walk into any McDonald’s store with 5 ringgit, and I bet the workers are going to be wondering if this is the first time you’ve begged enough money to enjoy their food while you squint and do mental calculations of what you can get, while holding up a long line of fat angry customers behind you.

Pictured: Where you can go if you don’t have the money for McDonalds, but still want all the prestige associated with it.

But maybe it’s not really about the money and maybe you’re just the kind of douche that needs some sort of social validation from going to ‘classy’ places like starbucks. Which brings me to my next point,

2: Mcdonalds isn’t classy, and the quality of food is crap.

Now I get how some places are trying to come up with a branding strategy that tells people what kind of person you are when you buy their products. Buying Starbucks for example earns you a social status that says, “I am a proud, money making member of urban society” whenever you go around asking for a ‘tall’ or ‘venti’ and paying more than 10 ringgit for one SMALL cup of coffee.

To everyone else, you’re this.

But despite this fail, Starbucks does take the quality of their coffee seriously, which warrants the charge of the extra ringgit for quality of product and service. Aspiring baristas are trained to know how to make all sorts of coffee blends, operate machinery and I have to give them credit; most of their Starbucks personnel look like they are estatic to see you, although you know they’ve been spitting and putting crap in your coffee.

Bullshit. You are not this happy if you’re sober and earning 5 ringgit an hour.

But with McDonalds, the quality of food is really the stain on your toilet paper after you’re done wiping. They’re making food fast enough to meet rush hour volume, so there is no way that they can ensure the quality of the food individually. In fact what happens is that every component of your McValue Meal goes through an assembly line food production that is made by at least 3 different people, which is why sometimes the burger flipper just really doesn’t give a crap whether the cheese he tossed onto the bun landed, or whether the burger looks good enough to be edible after everything has been said and done.

Added with the fact that they throw out any food that’s been left out for more than 10 minutes because you know, afterwards it just morphs into this.

Now all this would be fine, if we accepted the premise that whether you’re eating crap food at a mamak, or eating crap food at a franchised restaurant, you’re still eating crap food, but the fact is there are people who think that eating McDonalds is a step above going to the local gerai or food stalls and visit these places every day, just because other urbanites eat at these places.

Speaking of crap food...

3. McDonalds food is crap (part deux)

See what I did there? I just made a title redundant and added a French word just to be more of an asshole. But you knew that already, so we’re moving on.

You probably already know this, but McDonalds food really has about as much nutritional value as a Hollywood starlet has confidence in the size of her tits.

No, not this one, I meant Tara Reid.

For example, let’s take my favourite meal as a kid from McDonalds. Typically, this would be

1 x Large Fries,

1 x Large Coke,

2 x Fillet-o-Fish. (Those burgers are tiny as hell)

Added up together, a normal satisfying meal for me would amount to 1470 calories, with 61 grams of fat. To give you an added perspective to this (and to not make me look like a dieting pussy) I would have to run twenty five kilometres in two and a half hours to completely burn all of that off.

25 kilometres. 2.5 hours. For about 20 minutes worth of half-assed satisfaction of a McDonalds meal.

Oh Fuck that.

Even if half of the rumours of McDonalds are untrue, like how McDonalds uses cow eyeballs and mutant laboratory meat as part of their beef, (McDonalds actually has one of the most stringent security checks for their raw products) it’s a fact that kids everywhere are turning fat because of their McDiet, so much so in fact that some of them even sued McD’s for the reason they’re not getting laid in high school. While I believe suing a company because of the way you look and your eating habits has about as much logic as you creating an awareness about breast cancer by putting on a sexual innuendo as a status update, it still doesn’t change the fact that McDonalds is kryptonite for your health.

Sure, McDonalds is convenient in a lot of ways, like home delivery, having an internet connection at most of their restaurants and being open 24/7; but being expensive and providing nutritionally deficient food that fills you with regret like a night out with some floozy from Zouk is definitely not enough to make up for it.

And plus,

What would happen to us if we switched from McDonalds to Subway. We turn blue and can run around naked and people would think you’re awesome. Oh, and we have superpowers.

So does McDonalds fail? Yes, it does, with the exception of curly fries and Prosperity burger. Damn that shit is good.

Fail rating: 5/10

Why The Sims fail.

Okay, before the massive protests pop my ears out, I’m going to make a disclaimer. I’m not saying Sims isn’t addictive. It is. It’s taken many countless hours from many hopeful girls (and some really sad guys) who enjoy it, which I must stress is in no way a measure of its calibre as a video game. Just because some programme can keep you glued to the computer for hours clicking here and there every couple of minutes doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a game. By the same logic, this could be a game too:

‘YEAH! I GOT THE NUMBERS IN THE RIGHT COLUMN BABY! WOOHOO!’

What I’m saying is, games do have a certain calibre that needs to be respected. It’s a work of art, just like that awesome film you watched last night that keeps haunting you and is constantly replaying in your head, or a really well written novel. Sure, a big chunk of games consists of a lot of planning and technical stuff, but just as importantly, games need imagination and creativity. It’s like a really good film script; without it, all you have is shit like Ben Affleck films.

So I’m saying that compared to the many other games out there, The Sims fails. It’s a well planned out game, it’s not handicapped by bugs or poor playing experience, but in terms of the script or imagination, it is thoroughly lacking.

Let’s make a comparison for a bit, okay? Left 4 Dead: A group of immune survivors left to defend themselves in a zombie infested city. Fallout: You are a survivor in a post apocalyptic wasteland, scavenging for items and subject to its anarchist rule. Starcraft 2: Choose whether you want kick your opponents' ass by swarming them with a bunch of Zerglings, slicing them down with some Zealots, or just using the brute firepower of the Terrans.

In all these games, some really awesome dude sat down and really thought about what he/she’d like to come to life, and then proceeded to make a really awesome game where you could live out your fantasies.

Even if it involves a lot of sex.

In comparison Sims,

Doesn’t force you to imagine anything.

Honestly, it doesn’t. In Fallout, you’re given a choice in your adventures whether you’d like to give some dying beggar a bottle of your precious clean water, or blow his head off and take whatever stuff he has on him. As a matter of fact, you can blow anyone’s face in Fallout universe and take whatever they have on them. A vendor selling you bullets at ridiculous prices? No problem. Take a faceful of lead motherfucker. Some slaver wants you to enslave a 14 year old kid? Indulge in your inner doucheness and enslave the kid, or do the right thing and blow the slaver’s brains out.

Doing the right thing. Sort of.

Makes you wonder doesn’t it, if the world really did turn dystopian, would you be an asshole, or a Saint?

With Sims on the other hand, the game makes you wonder if... the couch should be facing the stairs, or if it’s blocking the way to the toilet, or does it match the rest of your furniture, and if you can afford it, and how ‘comfortable’ it is. Perhaps you spend hours arranging your expensive furniture after meticulously choosing the most matching colour and theme, but here’s the thing: All that meticulous planning does nothing for your Sim. You don’t level up, or earn more money, or go to the next stage of the story because, well, there is none. The Sim doesn’t give a shit whether that antique dressing table matches your new, modern, plasma T.V. As long as it’s expensive, it works, which kinda shows what a shallow, gold-digging douchebag a Sim is.

And if you like playing it what does that make you?

The only choice you’d have to make as a Sim that probably has the teeniest consequence is the occasional Job chance cards that come out while you’re at work, like if your Sim is a video games developer, this chance card might pop up:

“YourSim has a brilliant idea for a video game about running the lives of people in their own homes, but she is having a difficult time finishing the storyline for one of the group characters. One couple needs to be broken up, but YourSim doesn’t know how to do so in a creative way. Should YourSim write a story so that Aliens take the wife away while looking at the stars, or something else?”

Done rolling your eyes at the game’s self reference? Good, let’s get back to it. While this may seem like an interesting problem, it really isn’t. Each choice has a chance of either rewarding you with a lot of money, or it goes wrong and you have to pay money in damages. That’s it. You don’t become a celebrity or win award for the game which instantly gives you +7 stamina so you can stay up longer to do more push-ups or have more ‘WooHoo’ with the girlfriend, you just lose money. Which can be regained by well, working for like, 30 Sim days (approximately like an hour of real time).

And just F.Y.I, Fallout 3 addressed the above issue in an awesome kickass way. The correct answer was to steal another woman’s lingerie, and leave it on the desk in the basement. The wife finds the lingerie when she goes in there, and then consequently dumps his ass. You can even stay in their house to listen to the messy break up conversation. Or even kill them both, if you don’t think you’ve fucked their lives up already.

In Post Apocalyptic America, shooting the person is always an option.

But coming back to my point, basically my beef with Sims is that it doesn’t offer anything to the gamer’s imagination. The world you live in Sims is a world where you are a middle/ upper class, urban family, which you probably already are if you’ve decided to spend 170 ringgit on the game, or subsequently the minimum 3, 000 ringgit computer to play it. You don’t even get to experience what it’s like if you were, let’s say a thug who can’t find a job because you were institutionally discriminated by society and have to resort to a life of crime.

Unlike these guys.

Which would make life in Sims...

Absolutely normal and boring.

It does. The game involves you trying to manage your time between taking a dump, bathing, eating, cleaning, sleeping, changing, watching the T.V, and going to work. And just like real life, you don’t have enough time to do all of those without sacrificing something like your social life, or skipping work every once in a while. Heck, you don’t even get to take your girlfriend out on a date or take your wife out for your anniversary or spend some time with the buddies without having the constant danger of just dropping down and falling asleep wherever you are.

Now this is the most mind boggling part of the game for me. I mean, Seriously? If I wanted to do all those things I might as well just go and do it myself in real life. You gotta really sit back and ask, ‘Why am I paying 170 ringgit to see a miniature pixelated version of myself go to the toilet and take a big shit?’

Answer: Because you’re a tool.

And then somehow if you did stick it through the game, made enough friends to make it to the top of your career ladder, finally saved up enough money to buy the most expensive crap and never have to work again, then, and only then, do you finally, finally get...

The level 80 equivalent of Sims.

...nothing. Because the game never ends, and it’s just a big cycle of never ending boredom. The only thing you might experience is quarter/mid-life crisis, realizing that the 20 hours or so you played the game could’ve been spent at the gym, reading one of my posts, or playing an actual fun game.

Fail rating: 5/10

Why rempits, (and some people from the government) fail.

If you’ve roamed the streets of KL in your car or as a pedestrian in the early hours of the mornings, you may have encountered a group of douchebags on motorcycle travelling in formation and hogging the road and basically breaking every traffic rule ever created, just because... well, they’re douchebags.

Typically, these riders are Malay youths with cheap motorcycles that opt to switch perfectly working parts like the muffler, which is originally designed to lower the decibel count of any motor vehicle, and replace them with loud mufflers that announce to everyone within earshot how lacking in self respect they are.

They’re also always seen speeding on highways and roads doing stunts that impress absolutely no one, except maybe rempit girls. I mean seriously, when was the last time you were walking down the street and saw a rempit do a superman stunt or other and stopped and gave a standing ovation with tears in your eyes? Never. As a matter of fact, come on, let’s be honest here, I bet the only reason you stopped and watched is only because secretly you want that little shit to trip over his motorcycle and do a REAL fly-through-the-air superman stunt don’t you?

My photoshop skills suck, but then again, so does your face.

But you know, honestly, I get it, why they do that. These guys have illegal races where they just race through highways and for the winner, there’s a crash a prize and your very own minah rempit, your floozy for the night. Glory, girls, and gold, what’s not to like?

Well for starters,

1: You’re inconveniencing the fuck out of everybody else.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been delayed on the road where a group of rempits decide to hog the road, and they have this facial expression that says I-have-nothing-to-do-so-i’ll-just-take-a-leisurely-ride-along-my-bike-please-excuse-the-dick-on-my-face while they ride. They’re the equivalent of bums who just ‘hang about’ on all sides of the road and slow everyone else with a life down. During these ordeals I spend the time wasted trailing behind them imagining them to be neatly arranged bowling pins, and I’m driving one giant ass bowling ball.

Or, alternatively she could throw her bowling ball at them.

But the problem is, when they become roadkill I would’ve continued the cycle by inconveniencing the honest, hardworking road cleaners that make sure we have driveable roads in the morning.

It’s pretty obvious no one appreciates the hours of hard work you put into risking your life on the road. Which brings me to...

2: No one’s impressed. Really.

I can’t even stress how important this point is. No one is impressed guys. Let me say it in another language just for emphasis; Takder orang ingat kau gempak. When you pull off a stunt, we groan in disappointment because we didn’t see you fall, and when you don’t pull it off, we say ‘see, I told you so’. In case you think this is me being a little prick, google ‘rempit accident’. The search comes up with 313,000 entries, with a disturbing majority of them titled ‘Mat rempit kepala pecah’, which just goes to show that a large majority of KL citizens are deriving a sense of pleasure watching a rempit break his freaking head.

The only thing people enjoy watching you do.

You know what would really impress us instead? If we saw a rempit reading while riding the motorcycle. That would be one goddamn bad ass stunt. As a matter of fact, skip the riding the motorcycle part altogether. Just pickup a book and read, we’ll salute you and shake your hand, because your awesomeness factor would have risen by about 1000 percent.

We’ll call it, ‘The Reader’.

And while we’re talking about impressive stunts...

3: There’re better ways to get chicks.

Contrary to popular belief, it turns out there’re better ways to get chicks than to constantly do dangerous idiotic stunts that could kill you at any time. For example, getting a job, or starting your own business; basically, anything indicating that you are upwardly mobile on the social ladder, promising a good life for her and not out robbing handbags off innocent women and causing public disturbance is a universal aphrodisiac guys. I don’t know, there’s just something about you not making a goddamned fool of yourself and being a productive member of society that makes women want to take their clothes off for you. If you want an example of it, you know the burger stalls that open till late at night that feed you after that long hard night of being a douchebag on the road? Yeah, that guy has rocked more women’s worlds than you have. Cause the dude’s moving on up.

Gets way more ass than you do. And not just because the sign reads ‘gangster burger’. No seriously, it does.

But really, maybe I’m being too hard on rempits, because let’s face it, we don’t exactly frown upon or discourage such behaviours. I mean we the people do, but institutionally, we give them a free pass to every-goddamn-where. Honest. This guy actually termed them ‘Mat cemerlang’ (loosely translated, ‘successful dudes’), because riding around being a public menace is apparently his definition of making it in this world.

Or maybe you can look at the state of Kelantan that decided enough is enough and that to finally rid this menace once and for all, they will fucking... give them a brand new 10 million dollar race track .

Seriously.

There’s only one solution to end rempitism, and that is to recreate Bruce Lee to do this:

Fail rating: 7/10

Why this Canon ad fails

Alright, I’m not dissing Canon products. As a matter of fact, I’m using a Canon camera and videocam right now, and honestly, they’re pretty good. But despite having some top-of-the-line products they’re cutting corners on their creative/marketing department, resulting in some really fail ad campaigns.

In case you’ve got better things to do than to waste two minutes of your life, I’ll give you the lowdown of the ad. Basically, this dude brings a canon camera, “happens” to take a picture of some really hot chick, and then proceeds to use Canon’s best audio visual technology to record her. Look out for the ending scene in which the guy leads her to his shrine dedicated to her glory, complete with all her pictures and videos plastered wall to wall, revealed on glorious musical cue.

Epic.

Now I’m sure some of you, especially the ones who are such suckers for typical Disney love stories and lovegivesmehope.com blog posts are just swooning at the idea and would just absolutely love for this to happen to you, which is actually really fucking stupid.

I’ll tell you why.

In case it’s not immediately obvious to you, let me point it straight out: The dude’s a fucking stalker. If you miss it at first because you think he’s cute, then I hope natural selection will take its due course and end your genetic lineage right now.

First scene: He comes to this outdoor place to supposedly take pictures of bubbles. He blows them, and then “accidentally” takes a picture of this hot chick. But here’s the catch; if you notice, the camera is in portrait mode, which means there’s a small depth of field in which you can only see one subject in the picture while the background is blurred:

The problem is, bubbles are transparent, so the camera can’t detect bubbles and isolate it, because it can’t contrast it with the background. If all this photography jargon is a bit too much for you, let’s just say it’s hard as fuck to take a portrait photo of an invisible bubble okay? So you have to ask yourself, was he really trying to take a picture of bubbles, or was he just pretending to so he could scout which pretty woman’s face he can fashion into his next hat?

Next scene:

Wtf. Look at that shit.

I’m going to fap and cum on your pictures.

Remember how I said he was going to fashion her face into a hat?

Seriously, I could just let the video run and make a caption for every scene after that describing how much of a stalker this asian Bieber is, but that’d be defeating the purpose of me dropping some knowledge on you, so we’re moving on.

Another reason why this dude is a certified sociopath is because this fucker’s progressive. You know, like when psychos start noticing a chick, and then he needs to peek on her in the shower and jerk himself. Next, he needs to steal her soiled undies to smell them, and before you know it, the dude needs to cum into her cold hard vagina while bathing in her blood. This motherfucker right here displays it all.

Because, see, if, let’s say, I was wrong with my earlier assumption, and this dumbass did actually just thought of taking photos of bubbles and just SO happened to take a photo of this really hot chick, what does he do after? He follows her around and starts taking pictures of her. First with the compact, and then when the motherfucker needs high speed shots, he goes DSLR. After being bored the whole moving image gig, what does he do? Fucker goes video with a canon HD videocam.

Why do I need it in HD? Why, to better wank myself with my child!

Of course, like every stalker story, the stalker needs to meet the chick. Most stalkers will creep up on their unsuspecting victim and either use chloroform, some sort of date rape drug, or the classic whack on the head. This guy though, seeing as the girl has been nothing but oh-please-come-and-rape-me-giggle-giggle decides to do it the straightforward way and issue an invitation.

And what does the girl say to an invitation by a guy who has been following her and taking video recordings and pictures of her discreetly the whole week?

Nothing. She just shows up, alone and all dressed and pretty.

Of course, the next part of the ad shows her in this room which lights up, and she sees the product of his hard work all week/month/year. He shows her a video of herself playing the violin, as well as all these giant blown up pictures of her, all plastered on the walls. They see each other, bow to each other like Thai people normally do, and then he proceeds to cut her face off.

The video doesn’t actually show that but really, we both know that this happened:

I’m just wondering how exactly did a major multinational corporation like Canon fuck this up? I’m sure some of you are going to say “But Khairie, they probably hired an outside advertising agency to shoot this ad!” Yes, I know genius. That’s why it’s so unbelievable. A bunch of people from different companies brainstormed for months over this ad, shot it, edited it, sent it for broadcast, and all the while, not once down this long line of exchange did someone raise their hand and said, “Uh... guys? I think this ad a bit creepy. You might want to change it a bit.”

It only takes 3 words and 20 seconds on youtube to find a creative idea to promote a camera AND not simultaneously showcase the closet fantasies of creepy advertising men. Check it out.

So did this Canon ad fail? Totally. But because my TARA sister is very very talented...


...I’d say it didn’t uber fail.

Fail rating: 5/10.

Why Twilight (the movie) fails.

Okay, I’m not going to beat around the bush with this one. The Twilight series is absolutely and utterly full of shit. It’s literally as though you stepped on dog crap, and as you’re rushing home to clean up you collide head on with a waste disposal truck which breaks your back and paralyzes you from the waist down, whilst the collection tank ruptures and gallons and gallons of shit and refuse washes over you. And as you’re stuck in a river of shit, dying with the absolute certainty that you’re going straight to hell for all the sins you committed in life, Twilight would STILL be the crappiest thing that’s ever happened to you.

The reasons for Twilight’s failure should be obvious to any person with common sense, but just in case you don’t know, I’ll clue you in.

Reason 1: Bella Swan is the dumbest bitch on earth.

No kidding, she really is. The lead heroine has absolutely ZERO personality and even less intelligence. This is her expression throughout the entire movie:



She has this expression when someone brings her favorite meal, when she tells a joke, when she falls in love; that look of perpetual fuck-I-don’t-know-what’s-going-on-oh-god-someone-please-help-me.







Seriously woman, get a fucking clue.

And if the fact that Bella is an idiot was too subtle (congratulations, you’re a moron), they decided to make it more obvious by adding the other lead idiot, Edward Cullen, to spell it out for you.





Try to be less of a tool, Bella.

Reason 2: Edward is gay.

Bats and vampires have had an exceptional history of awesomeness. The origins of vampires came all the way from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (a Win book, btw) which in turn, originated from the actual historical character Vlad III the Impaler. Vlad’s eldest brother and father were killed by an aristocratic group called the Boyars, and to return the favor, he impaled them and had dinner in front of their impaled corpses.

True story.



Here’s some other stuff from vampires and bats that are Win:







You’d almost think this was a fail proof formula until some idiot comes along and does THIS:


Nothing quite as scary as an emo kid dressed as a diamond/vampire for halloween if you ask me.

Reason 3: The story doesn’t make sense.

Why? Because get this straight, a family that a) sparkles in the sun and b) gets a really really bad case of the munchies at the sight of blood decide to be less suspicious by sending their kids to school with the things they consider to be food. And yes, they only show up when it’s cloudy, because that’s not suspicious at all. I mean no concerned teacher is going to come knocking on doors if their emo goth students go missing for a week or two, am I right??

Other faulty logic include: Don’t move into a town with people who are out to decapitate you, like werewolves for instance. And don't pick food as your romantic partner, unless having sex with a pizza or cheeseburger is generally your thing, then maybe I missed the point of the movie.

Fail rating: 12/10